Am I being selfish for banning my bridesmaid’s autistic son from my wedding?

Dear Jane,

I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but I don’t want my bridesmaid’s autistic son coming to my wedding because I freak out that he’s going to ruin what’s meant to be my special, once-in-a-lifetime day.

I’m getting married this summer and have worked so hard to make sure the day is absolutely perfect. My fiancé and I decided pretty early on that we didn’t want kids at our wedding, but we made a few concessions for close relatives whose kids will be part of the ceremony.

But now my good friend insists because she can’t find anyone to take care of him and he hates when she leaves him with other people.

I understand it’s really hard for her, but I also know that her son tends to cause such a scene when he’s at big events. Because of his condition he gets overwhelmed, he yells, he acts up and I just don’t want that at my wedding!

I feel she has had ample time to find someone to look after him and it seems she just assumed I would accommodate her wishes so she didn’t bother to arrange childcare – and that doesn’t feel like it should be my problem?

I told her in the nicest way that we just can’t host him and she is now threatening not to come to the wedding at all. She says I’m selfish – but she’s the selfish one here, isn’t she? She knows how much this day means to me and how much I want her there when I get married.

What do you think?

Van, Bewildered Bride

Dear Bewildered Bride,

Congratulations on your wedding, which you have probably dreamed of for a long time. Of course you want it to be a perfect day and I’m sorry you’re in an impossible situation. Any of us who know people raising children with autism know how challenging it can be.

We also know that children with autism are often overwhelmed by new situations, new people, overstimulation and busyness. In fact, an occasion like a wedding seems like something that is likely to prove very problematic.

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I think there are two options here as I don’t know the finer details. You have already said that you cannot accommodate him, which does not lead to the desired result. Your first option is to keep this boundary firm, as it should be the one day of the year when you can dictate what you want.

Some would say that you are not selfish, or a Bridezilla, but instead set a clear boundary that she should respect. Whatever she accuses you of, keep repeating that you’re sorry you can’t accommodate him.

When we set a clear boundary, people often go against it, hoping that we will capitulate. Once we respond to them with something other than that clear cut line, it will turn into a much bigger fight. If, on the other hand, you calmly and gently repeat that you can’t accommodate him, she’ll eventually run out of steam.

I would add that this option makes it unlikely that you will remain friends.

If, on the other hand, you’re really good friends, you know how hard it is to raise a child with these challenges. A regular babysitter or regular childcare is not an option for many children with autism and finding the right caregiver with whom your child feels comfortable can be a huge challenge.

It sounds like your friend has tried, and there may not be other options available to her. As much as you worry about the possible behavior at your wedding, put yourself in your friend’s shoes and think about how difficult this is for her.

Ask her how you can work together to put her son at ease and what support you could offer at your wedding; perhaps there is a separate space that can be created to ease her child’s anxiety, filled with toys or devices that help him feel safe. Maybe he has a favorite movie that he can watch somewhere quiet.

I don’t know the solution, but I suspect your friend does. As important as your wedding day is, our friendships and how we care for each other is perhaps the most important thing.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding and that the day is filled with joy and peace for everyone.

Dear Jane,

I have been married 16 years and have been through two divorces. I am 65 and my wife is 67 and during our marriage she told me that she was also married twice before we met. However, I recently found out that this was in fact not the case and she has been divorced four times before and I am her fifth husband.

Honestly, I was really shocked that she kept this from me for so long. My feelings are really hurt but when I tried to talk to her about it and explain my thoughts she just stopped and said it’s none of my business. She’s the type of person who responds verbally when I try to broach a subject she doesn’t like.

Right now I feel like divorce is my only option. Then she can find another man to lie to about her past marriages.

Van, Lying Shame

Dear Lying Shame,

It’s a bit of a shame, isn’t it, that you ended up in this pickle.

None of us deserve to be lied to. We’re all human, we all make mistakes, and this may not be a terrible lie: for all you know, the first two marriages were when she was very young, and may have become irrelevant.

However, that she couldn’t apologize for the cheating and tell you the full story is worrying. A much bigger cause for concern is the verbal abuse when you bring up something she doesn’t want to discuss.

Honestly, I think you owe a trophy for staying with someone like this for so long. This is not a healthy relationship, Lying Shame, and you deserve better.

While I often worry that life gets much lonelier as we get older, I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are all better off on our own than in a relationship where we get called names.

You’re young enough to get a second chance at life, and maybe love. Who knows if she’ll get a sixth chance at love, but it seems like she doesn’t know much about healthy love, and I’d let it be someone else’s problem.

I wish you much kindness and honesty in your future.