Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Desperate Keanu’s baptism of fire

OSTENDERS

Don’t you wish someone in Walford would win the lottery and spread their winnings a bit? Every week there is at least one person with a money problem.

Now it’s Keanu, who is reminded by Ravi on the morning of Albie’s christening that he could make a lot of money on a delivery job. Startled by the flash gift Martin and Zack bought, Keanu takes Ravi’s offer – transporting drugs in white goods.

What could go wrong? Late before the baptism, he runs out of the church when the van’s alarm goes off, but the police are waiting there to arrest him.

Oh, Keanu. Wouldn’t it have been easier to buy a little teddy bear for your son?

At the police station, Karen insists Sharon do something, so Sharon calls a lawyer.

That is never good news. Walford’s lawyers are second only to the police in incompetence.

Put them in the same room and it’s Fraggle Rock meets The Muppet Show.

Will Keanu take up Detective Barnes’ offer to keep his bosses afloat? Convinced Keanu tricked him into it, Ravi retaliates.

Before you know it, Keanu is in the hospital, where Karen accuses Sharon of coercing him into crime. Says the woman who was once arrested for assault.

Any criminal know-how Keanu has acquired is a result of his mother holding on to his strings.

The Square is – again – in party mode in preparation for a knees-up coronation, and Sonia is disappointed to discover that Reiss’s big plans for a party are not for her birthday, but for King Charles.

It’s hard to imagine Reiss mustering up the energy to get out of bed, let alone any excitement in anticipation of the big day.

Please someone fix that beard and send it to a barber. Or a topiary, which may be necessary.

When Kim encourages Denise to win Jack back, Denise invites herself to join the kids’ escape room activity. Interesting. Isn’t most of their time spent looking for a room to escape from Denise?

KRONING STREET

When Tim finds out that his mother is going to Vegas to marry Stephen, he does everything he can to stop her. Pretending to go along with their plans, he lures Elaine into his cab and speeds off holding her hostage.

Will he stop the wedding? They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Perhaps Tim should convince Elaine that the only thing likely to remain in Vegas is her corpse.

Or maybe she’s not the only one on Stephen’s hit list. Stephen has recently been eyeing Jenny again and is annoyed when he sees businessman Owen flirting with her.

Do you know what happens to people who upset Stephen, Owen? I’d go to B&Q to hammer in nails if I were you; you need them for your coffin.

Paul’s financial worries have thrown him back into a life of crime, but will he go back to prison when Damon sets him up? So much for Damon’s change.

And he’s still snooping around Sarah like a pig on a truffle hunt. When Sarah takes Adam to a birthday lunch at the Bistro (surely she knows there are other restaurants), Damon joins them.

He enjoys watching Sarah squirm, especially when Nick and Adam vent their anger when they discover she’s one of the locals resisting their late permit. The only permit Sarah will ever approve is the permit to take off her kit.

A whirlwind honeymoon

You would think Elaine van Corrie would have been careful with Stephen after Geoff. But by agreeing to go to Vegas to get married, she hasn’t so much thrown caution to the wind as into a tornado. Why?

Paula Wilcox (Elaine) says she’s hurt by her son Tim’s attitude that “she’s too old to be attractive to anyone.” Plus, she says, “a whirlwind marriage is magical and it’s gone.”

As for Stephen, she will probably be swept away by the nearest river.

EMMERDALE

Mary finally sees Faye’s true colors…

Most things in the village are too good to be true, so when Mary hooked up with Faye there were more red flags than there will be Union Jacks, on May 6. However, Mary is still in the ninth cloud – well, not so much on it, as far, far, far above it and gone with the fairies.

So she is unhappy when Suzy expresses suspicions about Faye’s cheating on a wire transfer for the auction fund.

When Suzy provides more evidence, Mary confronts Faye, who reveals her true nature, and after a scuffle over an envelope of money leaves Mary concussed. It only takes a moment for love to transition from being in the air to being flat on the ground.

Is Belle about to wake up in a similar way in light of her new romance with Tom? When Tom bumps into Jimmy and Nicola in the Hide, Jimmy is upset that his cousin has been avoiding him.

With Jimmy still grappling with his father’s death, is Belle’s affair doomed before it’s even begun?

More love is on the horizon when Arthur and Marshall arrange a first date.

And will there be romance again for Chas and Paddy when they share a moment? Fortunately not, Paddy. Discard the cover.

There are tears as the village says goodbye to Cathy. Remember the play Cathy Come Home? This is Cathy Stay Away.