I’m a parenting expert – this is what to say instead of telling children ‘no’

A parenting expert has revealed the most effective ways to teach kids the “do’s and don’ts” without having to use the word “no.”

As a parent, it can be difficult to find the right way to raise your children, especially with all the conflicting opinions and advice floating around every day.

Parenting specialist, Kirsty Ketley, 42, from Surrey, has previously debunked the top five parenting myths, including potty training from age 2, the ‘bad’ stereotype surrounding dummies and labeling children as ‘good and bad’ based on their behaviour.

Kirsty takes a “respectful parenting approach” and says she’s given her kids, Ella, 10, and Leo, 6, “controlled choices” from toddlerhood.

Now the mother of two has revealed the “do’s and don’ts” of giving kids rules – and why they’re more effective than a strict “no.”

“I think it’s important to be consistent with your boundaries so kids understand that ‘no’ means ‘no’ and should be taught this from a young age,” Kirsty, who offers her services under the name Auntie K, told NeedToKnow .co.uk.

‘All families are different and so the boundaries will vary, which is fine – what works for one person doesn’t always work for another.

“But the way ‘no’ is expressed will make a difference to how well children, from toddlers to teens, will respond.

“I find all five effective — they’ve worked for me professionally and with my own kids.”

Here are Kirsty’s top five tips:

1. GIVE THEM INSTRUCTIONS:

While it can sometimes work to tell kids to stop, Kirsty advises that it’s more effective to give them positive reinforcement.

She said, ‘First tell them what you do want them to do instead of what you don’t want them to do, change what you can’t do.

“For example, if they’re running and you want them to walk, remind them to use their walking feet instead of saying don’t run.”

2. SAY YES:

Don’t see a “yes” as a concession, but as a way to negotiate.

The mother said, “You are not giving in to this at all.

“This is you telling them, ‘No, this is not a good time’ for whatever they want.”

“It will happen sometime in the near future, though.”

3. OFFER CHOICES:

Which is more attractive, a hard no or a few options?

Kirsty said, “Give them some controlled choices.

“Here you give them a choice of two things that you approve of, to help them feel in control, so they feel in control while you’re in control.”

4. TURN THEIR ATTENTION:

If your child can’t remember what they’re asking for in the first place, the problem is already solved, no fuss.

Kirsty explained, ‘Use some distraction techniques – if you’re at the supermarket and they want something, use some distraction.

“Make it sound very, very exciting.”

5. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID:

Finally, Kirsty insists that the best way to stray from saying “no” is ultimately to remove that situation from your life and give yourself some rest.

She said, ‘If you’re going to someone’s house that isn’t childproof at all, don’t go.

“Instead of spending time there, feeling stressed and having to say no to them about things, just don’t go — have the people come to your house instead.”

‘Or you’re going to meet on neutral ground.

Kirsty saves the special word for any situation where her children might be in danger, to make sure it has the greatest impact.

The mum added: ‘But of course a firm sharp ‘no’ is a must if your child is in danger – if they are going to touch the hot tub or if they run onto the busy road, or of course you can say ‘no’.

“However, it is more likely to be listened to if you have phrased the word ‘no’ differently at other times.”