Eating disorders specialist reveals 7 things you should never say

Being the parent of a child or teen with an eating disorder is extremely challenging and can often leave their loved ones feeling helpless.

While eating disorders can affect people of any age, most begin before age 25, meaning parents and caregivers often play a critical role in diagnosis and treatment.

With the right support, guidance and professional help, young people can lead healthy and fulfilling lives, but getting there is difficult.

Identifying an eating disorder in a child can be distressing for the parent or carer and as much as they would like to help their young person, they often find it difficult – or unsure how – to have a conversation on such a sensitive subject to enter.

To ensure young people get the support they need, UK family psychotherapist and eating disorder specialist Fiona Yassin has shared a guide for parents and carers on how to talk to young people about eating disorders.

The founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, which has branches in Malaysia and Dubai, has collected seven things parents should never say to their teens about eating disorders.

1. ‘IT’S JUST A PHASE’

Fiona explained, “Eating disorders are unfortunately a hugely stigmatized disease.

“They are often seen as a stage a young person will grow out of, rather than the complex and dangerous mental illness they are.”

This type of stigma can delay or prevent a young person from getting the professional care and treatment they need.

She added, “There’s an incredibly damaging myth that eating disorders are a teenager’s way of getting attention.

“This belief minimizes and negates the severity of the disease and can lead to deep shame in the young person with the eating disorder.”

2. “YOU SHOULD EAT MORE”

When you go into treatment for an eating disorder, it’s not just as simple as making a decision to eat.

Because they often have very little to do with the actual food on the plate, they are instead disorders rooted in trauma, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

Fiona explained: ‘As a parent or carer, it’s understandable to be frustrated and upset because your young one won’t eat.

“Know that trying to get them to eat can be very triggering and counterintuitive and they may interpret this as guilt.”

3. “YOU DO NOT LOOK UNDERWEIGHT”

It is important for parents to understand that it is impossible to see and weigh how serious an eating disorder is.

Teenagers come in all shapes and sizes and all can develop eating disorders.

Saying “you don’t look underweight” to someone struggling with their food intake invalidates their illness and struggle and can entrench or exacerbate eating disorder behaviors.

4. “LET’S WE WEIGH YOU”

“Young people with an eating disorder often measure their self-esteem by the number on the scale,” says Fiona.

She suggests removing the scale from your home and asking a doctor to weigh your teen if absolutely necessary.

“Few eating disorder interventions are based on weight, but many eating disorders start with awkward weights.”

5. “TRY THIS DIET, IT WILL HELP YOU”

Fiona explained: ‘Never encourage a young person with an eating disorder or eating disorder to diet – this can make eating disorder worse.

“Weighing in public is very often the start of shame-based eating habits, so don’t enroll your teen in a group weight loss or dieting program.”

She went on to point out how the traffic light food systems reinforce the need for control, which may be part of how your young person’s eating disorder presents.

Fiona advises making your kitchen a body-neutral zone and making sure you don’t have charts with data that can exacerbate symptoms and body embarrassment, such as those with calories or fat content.

6. “YOU CAN’T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER YOU ARE A BOY”

There is a harmful misconception that eating disorders are a female disease, with the eating disorder charity Beat reporting that one in four of the 1.25 million people in the UK with an eating disorder are believed to be men.

Men and boys do not fit the stereotype of eating disorders as a “girl’s disease” and subsequently they are often overlooked and underdiagnosed, with many going untreated for a condition that is very serious.

Fiona said: ‘It’s important for parents to challenge their own and society’s stereotypes about eating disorders, educate themselves about how they present in boys and men, and take them very seriously.’

7. “TRANSECE YOURSELF ON A CAKE”

Parents should try not to position food as a reward or punishment.

Teenagers who suffer from eating disorders often feel they don’t deserve it in many ways and proper nutrition is one of them.

The expert said: ‘It is important to recognize that children and young people often follow their parents’ eating and fitness habits.

“When a parent goes on a fad diet, the child is likely to interpret it as socially acceptable, which can lead to or exacerbate restrictive eating behaviors.

“Model positive behaviors and don’t engage in negative self-talk about your body or food when you’re with your young person.”