I hate my sister’s misogynistic fiance – how do I tell her she’s making a huge mistake

By James On Mar 26, 2023

Dear Jane,

Last week, my sister got engaged. What, in theory, should have been a moment of joy for the whole family.

But here’s the thing… I hate it. Despise it, in fact.

Which sounds like a terrible thing to say, but trust me when I say you would too. They have only been together for nine months and during that time he has proven to be misogynistic, rude and arrogant. He makes racist jokes, talks bad about my sister, makes fun of her insecurities, and has actively encouraged her to withdraw from her friendship group.

Since they’ve been in a relationship, I’ve seen her become more and more withdrawn and meek. She is no longer the fun and bright person that I grew up with. She is also rude to me and my parents and frankly it has been hard for me to refrain from slapping her on multiple occasions.

But I always bit my tongue, thinking that she would finally see the light and realize what a pig she is. Now they are engaged and I don’t know how to tell her that she is making a big mistake.

I feel horrible for not voicing my concerns sooner and I feel like it’s too late to say anything now, but how the hell can I let her walk down the aisle knowing she’s going to marry such a horrible person?

From, loving brother

Dear Jane, my sister is engaged to a man I despise and I don’t know how to tell him that he is making a big mistake.

Dear loving brother,

I am very sorry that you are going through this. You clearly adore your sister, and you wish she would marry someone you adore. The thing is, we don’t get to choose who our siblings marry, or even our friends.

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If we’re really lucky, they marry someone we like, but over the years I’ve had many female friends who are married to men who look a lot like your soon-to-be brother-in-law. Sometimes I see the friend without her husband. Sometimes I lose friendship.

The fact that you don’t like her is less important than how you see her change around her. That seems to be a clear red flag, and I think we owe it to the people we love to speak up when we see red flags. And, we must detach ourselves from the results, because you have no control over what your sister will do.

Sit her down and tell her that you love her, that you want her to be happy, and that you have some concerns that she would be remiss not to talk about. Be clear that your love for her is not conditional and that you will support her whatever she chooses.

Then tell her what you have observed, how you see her changing around you. Ask her what she gets out of the relationship, how he makes her feel, if she feels like the best version of herself when she’s with him. Sometimes asking the right questions can help people see things they haven’t wanted to face.

Once you’ve spoken your piece, there’s nothing else you can do. If she chooses to go through with the marriage, difficult as it may be, you must respect her choice.

Which doesn’t mean you’re still letting him be rude to you. You have the right to set a limit and tell him that it bothers you that he talks to you like that. If he continues, you have the right to see your sister without him.

Relationships can be complicated, especially when it comes to family, but everyone has their own journey, and this could be your sister’s. You do not have to stop loving and supporting her, but you are allowed not to share that love and support with her husband.

It’s not too late now that you’re engaged, but we can only voice our concerns once. After that, you have to let the chips fall where they may, and be there, as much as you can, to love and support your sister.

Dear Jane,

My ex-husband has been contacting me and I’m not sure which direction to take. He is a widower and I am a widow. We divorced 35 years ago. We have a married daughter and grandchildren.

Dear Jane Sunday Service

Last week I heard an ‘expert’ give advice on marriage. He’s been married a handful of years, he’s in his early thirties, and as wise as he seems, I couldn’t help but think that, given his youth and relative inexperience, he doesn’t have a clue what marriage is.

Few of us know how to communicate well when we’re young, and all too often the right marriages can sour simply because the couple has no idea how to communicate, or how to deal with their own baggage.

With age comes wisdom and, if we’re lucky, acceptance, not just of someone else’s shortcomings, but perhaps more importantly, our own.

He has a girlfriend across the country and they visit from time to time, but both say they don’t want to move.

He has shown signs of interest in me, but I’m not sure which direction to take. Any advice for me?

Of, the second time could be the charm

Dear Second Time,

I love this story, and the possibility that you and your ex-husband may possibly find your way back to each other.

So often we get married for the right reasons, but life gets in the way.

We are too young to understand the commitment of marriage, we allow small hills to become insurmountable mountains, and we do not have the tools to face the things that life throws at us.

The idea of us meeting again, some 35 years later, and finding that we still have things in common, reminding ourselves of the reasons we fell in love 35 years ago, is what romance is made of.

Until and unless you meet him, you have no idea what the future holds.

I would love for you to get in touch with him, go out there and see if there is a spark that can be ignited again.

And if there is, please let us know so we can follow this beautiful story.