Fed up with your children arguing? Here are tips on how to manage it

Having children who pit themselves against each other can be the bane of any parent’s life.

Yet experts have now revealed how sibling rivalry can be a good thing — if managed properly.

Maggie Bolger, bdevelopment expert and mother of four from London, told FEMAIL that sibling rivalry “can boost emotional intelligence” and “foster strong social skills.”

However, she cautioned that if it goes on for too long, it could turn into something negative with long-lasting consequences.

She revealed her nine tips on how to deal with sibling rivalry…

1. Count to ten: leave them alone to see if they can solve it themselves

Maggie explained, “Far too often our parental instinct is to intervene as soon as voices are raised in an effort to force resolution quickly and avoid conflict.

“Actually, it’s much better to let kids figure it out on their own, and try to reserve adult guidance only when it starts to get physical.”

She said conflict resolution is “an essential life skill” that “everyone should have honed in adulthood.”

Maggie continues, “The art of negotiating, debating, and problem-solving is what most of us learn initially with siblings.

“Constant intervention from adults makes a child feel like they will always be ‘saved’ and therefore has no room to learn the skill of conflict resolution.”

2. Let them stew

The parental response when conflict arises is to immediately force an apology from one or both children.

However, Maggie said this isn’t always the best way to handle the argument.

She explained: “When this is done in the heat of the moment, tempers are high and kids haven’t had time or space to think about what happened, which is why the words ‘I’m sorry’ are really too much.” mean’.

“Instead of apologizing right away, suggest a time-out for both kids to get them thinking about things — the key to time-outs isn’t devices, so they really need to think about things.”

‘Then let them come to you when they’ve worked out a solution. This is important so that there is no negative sibling rivalry and resentment.”

3. Dinner Therapy

The parenting expert described mealtime as “such a crucial part of the day.”

She explained, “It provides a quiet space for the whole family to discuss issues that have arisen during the day.

“Talking about why the problems arose and how they were resolved reinforces the idea that there will sometimes be conflict, but we can stay away from it.

‘This kind of round table discussion is very healthy and promotes open and honest communication with children from an early age.

“This is another life skill that promotes language development to build trust in each other.”

4. Mind your own business

Maggie explained, “There is research that shows that when parents are around a lot, children compete for their attention.

‘They often even find negative attention better than no attention. But when children are left to play, they are more cooperative.

So, do you have space, give them theirs and you will find that things will be more harmonious than you thought. ‘

5. Be Switzerland

Sometimes kids just can’t figure it out without the calm intervention of an adult.

But Maggie suggested that the key when dealing with conflict between young children is to “remain neutral.”

She continued, “Being neutral and not taking sides (at least not in front of them) gives each child a chance to express why they think they were right.

Acknowledge these feelings — even as adults, people can have a hard time seeing how their behavior contributed to a negative situation.

“Listen carefully and calmly explain how each child played a role in the disagreement, rationalizing the behavior rather than outright defaming it.”

6. No price comparisons

Maggie explained, “We all do it, mostly subconsciously. But when it comes to kids, comparisons can be detrimental.

Labeling children can cause one to be jealous or threatened by the other and inadvertently lead to conflict.

“If a child feels less advantaged, it can sow the seeds for deeper, more negative sibling rivalry.”

7. Say two nice things to anyone who is mean

Meanwhile, the parenting expert said kids, like adults, can often reach a point of frustration where they feel that insults are the best response.

She said, “While this is (unfortunately) very common, as a parent we need to reverse this behavior and so I recommend the 1:2 ratio.

“That’s why I suggest that with every insult, the child says two kind things to rebuild the other.

“In addition to demonstrating the impact words can have, it’s a powerful way to quickly shift to a calmer mood.”

8. Zero Tolerance

Maggie said she “absolutely advocates letting kids have discussions without adult intervention.”

However, she revealed that there must be certain behaviors that are subject to “zero tolerance.”

She said, “This clearly includes physical violence and name-calling.”

The expert continues: ‘Set as ‘house rules’ that every child takes as a given.

“If one of those rules is broken, the child realizes there will be consequences.”

9. Get ahead of the fear

The parenting expert said: ‘As parents, we know what triggers each of our children, such as being hungry, tired or overwhelmed.

“One of the best tips I can share is to get ahead of potential aggros whenever possible.

“If any (or all) kids are overtired or overwhelmed, get them involved in a solo activity like reading, coloring, doing puzzles.

“This intervention may be enough to keep them calm and avoid problems.”