DEAR JANE: My husband is texting a BDSM dominatrix behind my back.

Dear Jane,

I am 41 years old and have been married to my husband for 16 years. I have known for many years that she has various issues in the bedroom, mostly light BDSM, with her focus on submission.

I’ve tried getting into it, but it’s not really my thing.

The problem is that in early December I noticed that he was messaging someone on his phone. I could see pink messages so I knew they weren’t WhatsApp/Facebook or text messages and in the weeks that followed I always had his phone handy and caught him texting on several occasions.

Long story short, I was able to access his phone and found out that he was on an app called Fetlife, texting a 35 year old domme who lives near us.

On one hand he was angry and upset, but on the other he understood his need to feed his fantasy and hoped that they were nothing more than messages.

I used it as a reason to try again to be the dominant that he craves, and to be honest, I’m getting into it this time. But he still messages her and exchanges photos! I am devastated! I don’t think he meets this woman, but I still check her messages every night, just to find out what’s going on. She hoped that if she fed her desires he would stop her texting.

Do you think I should face it? Part of me wants to talk about it, but in a weird way part of me wants to let him have his fetish fix! Aid!

From, Potential Domme in Idaho

Dear Potential Dominant,

It’s a bit of a mess you’ve gotten yourself into, and there’s a lot to go into here.

There’s the whole fetish thing, which he seems to have been brilliant in supporting. Then there’s the texting other women, which is a terrible betrayal. And -finally- there is the secret reading of her texts. No wonder you’re struggling.

Phew. I’m sorry for you. I remember once finding pictures of a beautiful blonde woman on my boyfriend’s phone and feeling like I was punched in the stomach. I knew they weren’t ‘just friends’, much as I tried to profess otherwise, and my feminine intuition turned out to be correct.

I don’t know if you’re feeling the same gut punch, but there’s no question that spending time, even online, with another woman and exchanging photos when you’re in a committed relationship is betrayal, and you’re right. be confused and upset.

You have the right to know what is happening. Which means yes, you have to face it. You don’t need him to tell you that you’ve been wrong by doing the terrible thing while reading his texts.

We all have, we all feel enormous guilt about it, and right now your own guilt and shame has you in a dead end.

The only way forward that I can see is to come clean and fess up, then immediately plunge into an open and honest conversation about what the hell has been going on and what, if anything, you’re doing with the woman online.

I’m assuming nothing happened, but of course if something does turn out to have happened, that can raise a whole different set of questions. If we assume you’re just exploring, then you should discuss what each of you likes and wants in bed, and how you’re going to achieve it.

You need to be very clear about what you want and are comfortable with, and set those parameters. Find out exactly what he wants from the domme he’s talking to and find out how she feels about it. Often sexual intercourse is not part of the Domme and Sub relationship. You need to find out more to find out what you can and want to live with.

Whether or not you join him in the BDSM world is far less relevant than the two of you being transparent and open with each other about exactly what you need in bed, what the other is comfortable with, and how you’re going to achieve it.

And what exactly has he been doing behind your back? It may not be more than texting, but it needs to stop. This is the most problematic part of this letter, and it must be very clear so that it does not happen again. Secrets, I’m afraid, are a disease in relationships, not good for anyone.

Apologize for reading the text messages, ask him what’s going on, and make it clear that you’re not bringing it up to make him feel guilty or to berate him for keeping secrets. The two of them need to find a way to navigate this together. You end up saying that a part of you wants to let him have the fetish for her. Tell that. Ask him to work with you to figure out how you can get what you need without the secrecy in a way that both of you can feel comfortable with.

I wish you luck and fun.

Dear Jane,

When my son brought my daughter-in-law home for the first time, we loved each other. She was cute and funny, and we became instant friends.

Her own mother died when she was young, and I have tried very hard to be a mother figure to her. At first, she seemed to love him, but as soon as she had her first child, a boy, she changed.

Now he seems to resent everything I do, and never wants my grandson or son to see me unless the babysitter cancels.

I have done so many nice things for her: I buy her gifts, I treat everyone if we go out to eat, I buy my grandson toys all the time, things he would never buy because they are so expensive, and I always compliment her on it. everything, but he seems to push her away even more. She now completely ignores me in our family group chat. This hurts a lot and I don’t know what to do.

Love, bereaved grandma in Oregon

Dear grieving grandmother,

As a daughter-in-law and (hopefully at some point) future mother-in-law, I understand exactly how painful this is, not just for you, but probably for your daughter-in-law and probably for your son, since well.

It is a tough relationship, that of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. I say this as the mother of three children who are fast approaching marriageable age.

I adore their girlfriends, and I also recognize that by the time I become a mother-in-law, it’s probably going to be complicated. It’s hard, and rare, to get it right.

I see the good intentions you have: buying things, treating them in restaurants.

But I can’t help but wonder if stepping in to try to fill the void left by her own mother is the worst thing you can do. You’ve tried too hard.

Your leaning back has been too much for this young lady. In short, you need to stop trying so hard and start being natural. Not the version of you that she’s trying so desperately to be loved, but the version of her that she’s happy enough in her own skin to not need her daughter-in-law to dote on her. It is a sad fact of life that the more needy we are, the more we push others away.

Of course, you should start by talking to her. Ask her if you’ve done anything to offend her, tell her that you want to try to respect her boundaries and figure out how to be friendly.

Ask him what he would like your role to be and listen to what he has to say. She may say that everything is fine, but whatever the outcome of that conversation, you need to stop trying so hard. Did you hear me loud and clear? I know this doesn’t come naturally, but stop trying so hard. It is very clear that you cannot force or buy your way into a relationship with her.

She’s not looking for you to be her mother, and it’s not your job to take on that role. So I reiterate, as hard as it is, Grandma, stop buying her gifts, she stops paying for her meals, in essence, she stops making you a doormat for her.

You’ve tried to buy your love, you’ve tried to take care of your love and neither has worked, so stop and start taking care of yourself. Your job is to be kind, friendly and warm, without being overwhelming or over the top.

The law of physics dictates that as soon as one person changes their behavior, the other’s behavior has to change. If you fill your own life with things that make you happy outside of your grandkids, I guarantee things will get better.

Be there when needed, try to set a day a week or a regular time when you can see your grandchild, but otherwise leave him alone. I suspect that by the time you back away, she will start to move closer to you.

And most importantly, get out of the group chat. Ask your child to update you if there’s information she needs, but staying in a chat where he’s constantly watching to see if you get fired will only cause more pain.

You seem like a wonderful person, Grandma, and I hope you surround yourself with people who appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness, and the things that make you happy.