Psychologists reveal the 12 questions you should ask your partner before getting married

Do you want to know the secret to a lasting and happy marriage?

Well, a group of top psychologists have revealed a set of 12 must-have questions that can help ensure relationship success.

Vermont-based Dr. David Helfand, a licensed psychologist who specializes in couples therapy, said hoy.com that “one of the hardest parts of a long-term romantic relationship is setting boundaries,” but this should be done before you get married.

Read on for insights from Helfand and others on how best to walk the path to everlasting love…

1. What helps you relax?

Experts point out that along with the ups and downs in the relationship there will be ups and downs, stress being a great trigger for fractures.

Helfand says it’s important to remember what can help you and your partner relax during very stressful times, so that neither of you suffocates under outside pressures. Be sure to notice what relaxes your partner so that you can help them when the time comes.

As an example, she suggests that if your partner likes bubble baths, preparing one for them when they’re feeling stressed will help ease the tension.

2. What makes you feel loved?

Laura Silverstein, a Pennsylvania-based certified couples therapist, advises people to take the love language test with their partner.

There are various iterations of this available online. The love language theory, first developed by Dr. Gary Chapman in the 1990s, allows people to become more aware of their needs. According to Dr. Chapman, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical contact.

Silverstein says: ‘Take turns asking yourself how you can help each other feel more loved. We know from the work of Gary Chapman that people prefer to give and receive love in different ways.’

3. What is our financial situation?

“The #1 reason cited for divorce is finances, so it’s important that you enter your marriage with your eyes wide open,” says California-based psychologist and dating coach Holly Battey.

She recommends talking about your credit scores, the amount of debt you have, your income, and how you plan to split the financial responsibilities. Many couples struggle with finances and share the burden, so Battey recommends seeking the help of a financial advisor if this is an issue.

4. What have been your biggest traumas?

Hefland says it’s important to dig into your partner’s past and uncover their biggest traumas. This will help you better understand them and how their reactions and behaviors are related to or triggered by past incidents.

‘Traumas shape us. If he knows what experiences were truly terrifying for his partner, he will be able to better understand who they are today, ”explains Hefland.

5. Where do you draw the line between secrecy and privacy?

Amy Morin, a Florida-based psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, says couples need to agree on their boundaries when it comes to privacy preferences early on.

Some people are happy to share social media or phone passwords, while others prefer to keep some privacy. Morin cautions that if couples disagree about the privacy aspect of their relationship, it can lead to mistrust and one person thinking the other is being sneaky.

6. How do you handle conflict?

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with conflict, so Silverstein says it’s important to know how your partner reacts and to recognize the way they’re behaving. She highlights the work of Dr. John Gottman, who spent 40 years studying couples and discovered that compromise is essential to managing conflict in relationships.

He suggests three functional conflict management styles: conflict avoidance, volatility, and validation.

Silverstein recommends finding an approach that works for both parties and reading up on different ways to handle conflict. She warns: “People sometimes make the mistake of thinking that their preferred conflict style is the right one and everyone else is wrong.”

7. What role should the extended family play in our relationship?

Extended families can be a great source of contention between couples. One person may love to see their relatives all the time, while the other may find it a nightmare. One person may appreciate her parent’s input, while the other person may see this as interference.

Morin recommends “setting expectations up front” when it comes to managing the family. If opinions differ, he tries to find a workable solution.

8. What are our deciding factors?

When venturing into marriage, Battey recommends sitting down and setting boundaries around your relationship “as well as the consequences of a breakup.”

Some of the key topics to address include adultery, abuse, and addiction. The relationship expert says that by doing this, you’ll “lay a healthy foundation for your marriage.”

9. How are we going to stay connected while maintaining independence?

Experts warn that it’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship and lose your sense of self.

Silverstein says it’s important to prevent this from happening if you want to maintain a healthy balance and keep the romance alive.

She recommends keeping “hobbies and friendships, as well as personal and professional ambitions… this way, you can plan to share your lives together while thriving as individuals.”

10. How will we divide the housework?

Before embarking on marriage, address the issue of housework. Battey says that now gender roles are changing, housework can be something that is distributed fairly.

She says that she has come across many women who have been unhappily married and resentful of their partner because they do most of the household chores. But she argues that domestic work “must be fair and appropriate to the strengths of each of the partners.”

If neither party steps forward, see if it’s financially viable to pay someone to help around the house.

11. What is something about me that worries you?

Morin says that while this question can be a bit awkward, it’s important to ask it and be honest with your answer.

Everyone has flaws and there may be something that worries you about the other person. This could be fixed or marking it is the first step in finding a solution.

Morin says that by talking about each other’s concerns, they will learn even more about each other and this could be “an opportunity to work out uncomfortable conversations.”

12. What is our shared vision?

It may be something you associate more with a job interview question, but experts say thinking about your five to 10-year plan is something you should apply to your relationship.

Battey says that “couples with shared goals are more likely to last” and it’s important to check in from time to time to make sure you’re on the same page.

Seeking the help of a couples counselor could help make this exercise easier, as some ‘roadblocks’ could arise when discussing what the future holds.