I’m a reformed people pleaser – here’s how I changed my ways (and you can do it too!) 

When Ania Magliano’s date told her that she was too much of a people pleaser, the comedian was immediately offended.

She felt that it was an unfair assessment of her character and thought it was presumptuous of her date to judge her in this way.

“Still, I didn’t want to make things awkward, so I agreed with them and changed the subject.” Ania tells Metro.co.uk. It was then that Anya realized that she was, in fact, a people pleaser.

I googled the phrase and read a few articles. They listed qualities like making an effort to say no, pretending to agree with things, and avoiding conflict. Let’s just say the bells were ringing, and loud.

When Ania Magliano’s date told her that she was too much of a people pleaser, the comedian was immediately offended. However, she later realized that the person was right.

“I started to view all my actions (past, present, and future) through the prism of people-pleasing, like a reverse Scrooge. A Scrooge who sends so many bucks to the Cratchit house that they get a restraining order out of him.’

Anya began to reflect on times when she had trouble setting limits, such as times when she had forgotten to mention her vegan diet to avoid causing difficulties for the person cooking her dinner.

Or times when she’d stayed until the end of a social event she wasn’t enjoying, just because she didn’t want to appear rude by leaving.

‘The thing that helped me change my behavior the most was actually very simple. I realized something about my friends that I loved and valued the most. They were kind and loving people, and they were also always clear about their needs and limits.’

It was these friends that Ania tried to emulate, and she started by taking a few simple steps.

‘In emails and WhatsApp, I learned to remove the ‘don’t worry if you don’t’ warnings from my messages, as well as three other apologies that had unwittingly slipped in there. Another bonus: my emails were a third of the length.

“Then I made myself little message templates to politely decline the things I didn’t have the time or interest to do. Simple phrases like: ‘Thanks for the offer, but I already have too much on my plate’ saved me from work I didn’t have the ability to do, or knew I wouldn’t enjoy.’

Now that Ania has changed her ways, she feels so much better realizing that she can now prioritize her own needs and take care of herself first.

‘I hope you can accept that, but if that doesn’t make you happy, then…I don’t have the ability to deal with it right now, I’m sorry!’

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