JACI STEPHEN’s top five DOs AND DON’Ts to make the holiday travel nightmare slightly more bearable
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Several months ago, I accidentally pioneered a new genre of feedback: complaints about modern day air travel.
The article about my outright refusal to trade my airplane seat for conceited and unprepared passengers went viral, so many readers agreed with me.
The piece sparked even more reporting and DailyMail.com has covered much of it. There have been fat passengers spilling over their seats, fat flight attendants who can’t fit in their own seats, over-stretched crews, and passenger rage against pompous celebrities.
It all made me realize: people are desperate to know more about this.
So, here are my top 5 DOES and NO YES for making the nightmare of modern air travel a little more bearable: Christmas Edition.
DO NOT DO:
1. Arrive four hours before your flight and start talking to a cute guy you meet at an airport bar. It is almost certain that he will miss the flight from him. Especially don’t arrive seven hours before your flight to do your Global Entry interview and go to a lot of bars and meet a lot of hot guys. The plane left, like, er, yesterday (just me?).
And, if you find yourself hanging around for that long, don’t dress up as Santa Claus, an elf, or any other festive character. You looked like an idiot when you left your house and you still do.
2. Reserve a window seat if you have a weak bladder. If unavoidable, wear a diaper. That person in the aisle will lose patience when you walk over them for the tenth time, before takeoff.
If you find yourself hanging around for that long, don’t dress up as Santa Claus, an elf, or any other festive character.
Remember, in one – or more – of the many airport bars, your body will have already consumed at least twice as much in drinks as your body contains in blood (since you ask, an average-sized woman carries eight pints of blood, a man ten).
3. Make eye contact with the child who is trying to interact with you by looking back over the seat in front of you. You will be playing hide-and-seek for ten hours. Children are like dogs in this regard. You think that soon they will get tired of going to look for the ball or the club. They will not. Ever. Even if you fly to Australia. And on return
Feel free to tell them that Santa won’t be able to find them now that they are airborne. If you desperately need to be left alone, tell them Disneyland doesn’t exist, especially handy on a flight to Florida.
Don’t tell them, under any circumstances, that Santa doesn’t exist. It is his bargaining tool.
4. Shout ‘Ouch! We are all going to die every time there is turbulence. Fellow travelers find it deeply disturbing. If you think you’re not safe… just drink enough brandy/vodka/wine to make you think you are.
5. Ask the person next to you what book they are reading. Your answer will always be longer than the time it would have taken you to read the book, and that also applies to the questions your travel companion asks you about your life. Oxygen is scarce. Be brief. Your wife/husband left you. Move on. close it!
Sit back, relax, and watch a movie, but nothing involving potentially dying dogs: Marley and Me/A Dog’s Purpose/Journey/trips to the vet to be euthanized.
Science has shown that you are most emotional at 30,000 feet. It will remind you that your partner left you, just like the dog, and you will cry like a puppy and have to leave him before you land.
Several months ago, I accidentally pioneered a new genre of feedback: complaints about modern day air travel.
TO DO:
1. Buy bottled water before boarding. If, by some horrible chance, you’re stuck on a plane that doesn’t move for hours, just make sure you’re hydrated. Don’t empty your water bottle and fill it with the vodka you just bought at Duty Free. It is illegal to consume any type of alcohol on board that has not been provided by the crew. See how carefully I listen to instructions? I am a true angel.
2. Stop being a control freak. These things happen. You have chosen to go on a journey. It hasn’t turned out the way you planned. But neither did your life, so a couple more days won’t really make any difference. You screwed up long before this.
3. Have the courtesy not to die in midair, but if you do, keep a movie in front of you at all times. This way, should rigor mortis occur, hopefully no one will notice your disappearance until you land.
And if you suspect that you might have to use your travel insurance for the repatriation of your body, pay special attention to the instructions on how to fit your own oxygen mask before helping others in an emergency. Do not consider helping others at all. Just get out of there as fast as possible and leave behind all those people who keep yelling, ‘How do you tie a double bind?’
Do not make eye contact with the child who is trying to interact with you looking back over the front seat. You will be playing hide-and-seek for ten hours. Children are like dogs in this regard.
4. Be nice to the cabin crew. They are doing a very hard job dealing with their problems while they are in the air. Even on the ground, you are a headache for your friends and family. Imagine how the crew feels. Thank the pilots if they enter the cockpit after landing. They just managed to transport you through the air in a steel capsule. Feel free to clap.
5. Upon disembarkation, collect all unused goody bags if traveling First/Business/Upper, etc. They make lovely gifts and you can save a fortune on Christmas presents. Always take First/Business/Upper pajamas/sleeper suits when offered on an overnight flight. You don’t have to use them, just pack them in a goodie bag for that extra special gift.
And always enjoy the holidays and have a happy 2023. Eat, drink and be merry.