Relationship coach’s tips on surviving Christmas with family and what to do if asked to pay
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Victoria Mills (pictured) offered practical advice on how families can navigate the festive season without the occasion turning into a nightmare.
Christmas isn’t always all festive cheer and frivolity when it comes to family.
Awkward interactions with exes, excessive drinking, fights over where to spend the day and what to bring, and bonding with relatives who don’t get along can lead to arguments and family dysfunction.
Add the stress of high living costs to simmering stresses and it can become a recipe for disaster.
But it’s okay to make alternate Christmas plans if you think rifts within the family could ruin the festivities, according to a leading relationship coach.
Hello Coach CEO Victoria Mills has more than 20 years of experience as a relationship coach and has a system called 3M (Manners, Management and Moderation) for surviving the holiday season.
The Sydney-based coach says Christmas Day causes problems for many Australians due to the high divorce rate, leading to complicated and mixed family dynamics.
It’s okay not to want to spend Christmas with your family if there’s a chance of tensions between feuding relatives (file image)
“Choosing when, where and who to spend the day with can become a logistical nightmare for what is supposed to be a special celebration, especially when it comes to stepchildren and exes,” Mills told Daily Mail Australia.
“Many people have to be with family members they wouldn’t normally spend a lot of time with, which can lead to awkward conversations.”
Inflation has also contributed to stress, as more hosts start charging their own relatives to attend Christmas lunch or stay with them over the holiday period.
Ms. Mills said that issues can be resolved before the day with a direct conversation before the day and an offer to contribute.
“Every family is different and some face difficult financial challenges,” he said.
“There needs to be some adult conversation before the day to avoid upsetting the host.”
“It’s appropriate to offer to contribute food or drink or bring something and, if you stay, help pay the higher costs.”
“Bringing a gift for the host is also a lovely and kind gesture.”
Victoria Mills believes that offering to contribute to the Christmas party is appropriate
Hello Coach exec Victoria Mills (pictured) describes herself as a realist, acknowledging that not all families can get along, even at Christmas.
British pensioner and widow Caroline Duddridge, 63, charges for her family members who come over for Christmas, including her young grandchildren.
Electricity is even factored into the cost per person, giving guests a December 1 deadline to pay.
Ms Duddridge is unfazed by criticism.
‘I don’t allow late payments and the kids know it. Some complain about their bills and other costs, but I’m just telling them they won’t be invited. Everyone pays,’ he said in November.
‘It’s not about hoarding money, it just makes sense to budget and distributes the cost fairly among everyone at the table.
“Expecting one person to pay for all the food and prepare it, clean it, use the heating and electricity is too much.”
According to Ms. Mills, families can survive Christmas if they stick to 3M’s.
“Be respectful of your family and take the high road to avoid conflict if a difficult topic of discussion comes up,” he said.
To ensure minimal stress, manage your expectations of what Christmas is all about and make them clear to others so everyone is on the same page.
“Set limits on topics of conversation and manage seating at the family lunch table to avoid conflict,” Ms. Mills said.
Alcohol and food should be consumed in moderation so that it does not exacerbate problems and lead to bad manners in the day.
Manners, management and moderation are key to surviving Christmas as a family
If you’re still afraid that World War 3 might break out over Christmas dinner, you’d better make alternate plans instead of pretending to play happy families.
“I’m realistic that not everyone in every family will get along and we don’t get to choose our families,” Ms. Mills said.
“Don’t expect someone to change for a day just because it’s Christmas.”
“If you think conflict is inevitable, don’t put yourself in the line of fire by spending the day with them.”
“Consider celebrating Christmas Day with friends and see if there are other opportunities to catch up with the family later on.”
Other relationship experts offer similar advice on how to survive Christmas with the family.
‘Remind yourself regularly that the image of the ‘perfect’ Christmas that the media and society have created is impossible to replicate in real life, and that’s okay. Like the Brady Bunch, it’s not real,” said Sandra Martel-Acworth, Australia NSW Relations counsellor.
“Sometimes Christmas is about compromise and a meeting halfway.”