I’m an alcoholic who’s been been sober for ten years – but now a ‘joke’ has utterly upended my life: DEAR CAROLINE has the answer

Q I am a man in my late forties and an alcoholic, although I have been sober for ten years. Every now and then I go for a drink with colleagues after work, more duty than pleasure. I always have a soda and make the excuse that I have to drive from the station (I don’t). They almost accept this, but there is definitely a drinking culture.

However, matters came to a head at a recent work event in the run-up to Christmas, when pressure from colleagues was intense. I kept refusing drinks until one of them jokingly said, “Are you an alcoholic?” I was overwhelmed and became silent. I’m sure he realized he hit the nail on the head and things have been awkward ever since.

He later apologized for embarrassing me, but I now can’t shake the feeling that my colleagues are talking about me in a negative way.

A The only person who should be ashamed is the man who made the comment, and your coworkers for their behavior. It is shameful to pressure someone to drink if he or she does not want to, especially when driving is involved.

People may talk about you when the subject comes up, but it will be quickly forgotten. Some of your colleagues may even be sympathetic. And if they make negative comments, shame on you.

However, it sounds like you are ashamed of yourself and this is what you need to work on. It takes courage to overcome an addiction, so try to be kinder to yourself and be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Of course, there is a time and a place for everything, but sometimes “owning” an issue – acknowledging that it happened – rather than keeping it a secret can reduce feelings of shame.

Do I have to choose between my boyfriend and my family?

Q I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Not long after we met, I moved a few hundred miles to live with him because he wanted to be close to his widowed mother, who was very ill. I adapted work to help him and his sister care for her before she died.

The plan was for him to eventually move to my hometown, closer to my adult children and aging parents. My mother is not doing well and my father needs more and more help. I feel like it’s my boyfriend’s turn to stand by me and I’ve asked him if we can move back up north where I still own a house.

However, he then said that he cannot handle caring for a second person who is dying because it would be too painful. I told him that I was helping him with his mother and that he thought his attitude was selfish. He now says he could never move because of his job and friends. His work is flexible and largely not office-bound, making it easy for him to move if he wishes. I’m upset because I feel like he doesn’t want to support me when I need it. I wonder if it is worth continuing the relationship, but I would be lonely without him.

A It must be annoying for you to be so torn. Perhaps your friend needs to be given some leeway, because the feeling that it is too painful for him to have to experience another death is valid. Still, you gave him support when he needed it, and it’s disappointing that he’s unwilling to offer the same in return.

There seems to be some selfishness in his attitude. I suspect he may never want to move. Long distance relationships can be problematic. Older parents who become ill many miles away are often a bottleneck. This may not be the right time to make decisions because you are both dealing with grief – his now and yours in the future. So you could try moving to your hometown without your boyfriend for a while, and seeing each other when you can.

You haven’t mentioned love, so maybe some space can help you gauge the depth of your feelings for him, and figure out if you’re keeping the relationship going out of fear of loneliness. Unfortunately, later you might have to choose between him and being close to your children and parents – both may not be possible. In the back of your mind, you may be afraid that he doesn’t love you enough to make sacrifices for the relationship, so you need to ask him for an honest answer. However, your life should not only consist of caring for your parents. You also need to have a social life – and see your children a lot – when you go back. You would both benefit from contacting Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) to help with bereavement. And try Age UK (ageuk.org.uk) for advice on getting support for your parents.