KENNEDY’s wicked Golden Globes review: Fakest romance… most deranged… and the savage joke that left me in hysterics
The Golden Globes kicked off the Hollywood Awards season on Sunday night, handing out awards to actors, shows and movies that half the audience has never heard of.
So allow me to break it all down for you, dear reader. These are the only prices you really need to know.
Dear host, not Ricky Gervais
Comedian Nikki Glaser was a natural host this year after her hysterical roast of NFL model Tom Brady. But expectations were as high as Seth Rogan’s at a Taco Bell. Good thing this blonde bombshell has some brains.
Glaser lowered the bar, telling Vanity Fair this week, “I’m not going to go so fast that anyone will be offended… I’m not Ricky Gervais.” Well, she made me snort so hard I fell off my couch, with jabs like “Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch.” These aren’t just words Ben Affleck shouts after orgasms. These are some of the incredible films nominated tonight.”
Too bad the dorks of Tinseltown didn’t act so confidently.
Comedian Nikki Glaser was a natural host this year after her hysterical roast of NFL model Tom Brady. But expectations were as high as Seth Rogan’s at a Taco Bell. Good thing this blonde bombshell has some brains.
Most unhinged
Zoe Saldana won the award for Best Supporting Actress in Emilia Pérez, a musical thriller about a drug cartel boss who wants to turn into a woman (a standard coming-of-age story).
Saldana ruined the moment by endlessly naming her exotic co-stars and screaming, “I’m filled with adrenaline, but my heart is full of gratitude.”
Gee lady, that’s not the only thing you’re full of.
I’ll probably take ayahuasca
Kieran Culkin picked up Best Supporting Actor for the film A Real Pain (yeah, I haven’t seen that either).
He thanked his wife for putting up with his quirks, while giving credit to his therapist, who clearly doesn’t get paid enough.
Now, Kieran: Just relax and tell us all what really happened at Neverland Ranch.
Freshest smelling loser
While Culkin basked in the spotlight, former Succession co-star Jeremy was brewing.
Strong was nominated for his turn as lawyer Roy Cohn in The Apprentice, a preachy biopic about a young Donald Trump.
He lost. But because he was dressed from head to toe in mint green (complete with fluffy bucket hat), he receives the award for most realistic Mitchum anti-perspirant bottle.
Zoe Saldana won the award for Best Supporting Actress in Emilia Pérez, a musical thriller about a drug cartel boss who wants to turn into a woman (a standard coming-of-age story).
Kieran Culkin picked up Best Supporting Actor for the film A Real Pain (yeah, I haven’t seen that either). He thanked his wife for putting up with his quirks, while giving credit to his therapist, who clearly doesn’t get paid enough.
While Culkin basked in the spotlight, former Succession co-star Jeremy was brewing. Strong was nominated for his turn as lawyer Roy Cohn in The Apprentice, a preachy biopic about a young Donald Trump.
Nearest nip slip
Adorable Jessica Gunning won for her work in Baby Reindeer and limped onto the stage, warning the audience that they were “almost seeing my Golden Globes!”
Some viewers were hoping boobilicious model Ashley Graham would falter next.
Fake mustache
Even Kardashian-adjacent prodigy Timothee Chalamet wasn’t safe from Glaser when she said, “You have the most beautiful eyelashes… on your upper lip.”
Chalamet always looks like he’s playing the role of: Man who has barely gone through puberty.
Strangest Couple – a Tie!
Speaking of Timmy, how on earth can he land Kylie Jenner? Did someone whisper Showmance?
Without Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco, they would be the most unlikely couple. Gomez blushed after Glaser gushed about her recent engagement and joked that a “ghost… granted” [Blanco] that wish.’
I would also be embarrassed if my fiancée showed up to an awards ceremony wearing a unibrow and a lady’s blouse.
Did he star in a Frida Kahlo biopic that I haven’t heard about?
No wonder Zendaya physically recoiled upon seeing Beastly Benny.
Even Kardashian-adjacent prodigy Timothee Chalamet wasn’t safe from Glaser when she said, “You have the most beautiful eyelashes… on your upper lip.” Speaking of Timmy, how on earth can he land Kylie Jenner? Did someone whisper Showmance?
Adorable Jessica Gunning won for her work in Baby Reindeer and limped onto the stage, warning the audience that they were “almost seeing my Golden Globes!” Some viewers wondered if boobilicious model Ashley Graham (pictured) would wobble next.
Best joke/Worst joke
Glaser had the room with Harvey Weinstein at a level of awkwardness after joking that the Zendaya film Challengers was “more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card!” and added, “I’m sorry, I’m upset too. The afterparty won’t be as good this year, but we have to move on… No baby oil this year.’
Ashton Kutcher must be thankful he isn’t nominated for anything anymore.
Best dressed for a Quinceanera
Ariana Grande has made us all worse than her Wicked co-star Cynthia Erivo.
She and Erivo dressed like an anemic and held space for each other all night, taking selfies and whispering in the comfortable confines of their two-woman union.
Quite terrifying
Cynthia will hold a special place in my nightmares with her terrifying dress that looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and an iPad.
She had to put it in the chipper of Ali Wong, who paraded around in a hideous smock, taped together with leftover Christmas ribbons.
Cynthia will hold a special place in my nightmares with her terrifying dress that looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and an iPad.
Big win for a gassy man
Nine Inch Nails rockers Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross won another Globe for composing the soundtrack for Challengers.
I was hanging out with Trent and the band in Atlanta one night when they kidnapped Jon Stewart and sat in a van trying to light their flatulence with a lighter.
Open a window, guys
Worst presenter
Mindy Kaling is dead to me now. Even since she lost a lot of weight, she wasn’t funny anymore. But she really lost me when she appeared alongside Meghan Markle in her upcoming straight-to-series Netflix series “With Love, Meghan.”
Mindy co-hosted with Kate Hudson, but was so pompous that Nicole Kidman’s straight face looked loose.
Dressed like an anemic, Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo held space for each other all night, taking selfies and whispering in the comfortable confines of their two-woman coven.
Mindy Kaling is dead to me now. Even since she lost a lot of weight, she wasn’t funny anymore. But she really lost me when she appeared alongside Meghan Markle in her upcoming straight-to-series Netflix series “With Love, Meghan.”
Best speech by a Romanian
Bucky Barnes won, guys!
Captain America: Winter Soldier star Sebastian Stan won Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical for A Different Man and shouted out his Romanian mother, who came to this country to give him a better life.
I also have a Romanian mother!! I’m assuming that Bucky’s success can be directly attributed to a childhood filled with stuffed cabbages, non-stop guilt, and – if his mother is anything like mine – being called a “cow in the boots.”
Most convincing person
Demi Moore (who one of my teenage daughters insisted was Courtney Cox) gave the most honest and heartfelt speech of the evening.
She expressed the genuine pain of self-doubt and confessed that she was about to throw in the towel when she came across the script for The Substance.
After being dumped by P. Diddy pal Ashton Kutcher and leading the care of ailing ex Bruce Willis, this woman has been through it. And we all rode along.
That’s why it means so much to hear her say, “Just know, you’ll never be enough, but you can know the value of your worth if you set the standard.”
Amen, sister!