Top psychiatrist reveals the key signs you have narcissistic parents… and how to deal with them

Childhood trauma is something that can affect someone for the rest of their life.

For some, their parents may have been too strict or completely absent, but others may have had a much more sinister relationship and experienced a childhood raised by narcissistic parents.

A narcissist is a manipulative person who lacks empathy and has an exaggerated sense of self-interest. They are excessively concerned with themselves and their needs, even at the expense of others.

When a narcissist’s behavior becomes severe enough, he may be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

A narcissistic parent or someone with NPD is self-centered and sees their children only as extensions of themselves, often expecting their children to make sacrifices to meet their own needs.

They can be controlling, volatile, and emotionally abusive, and they can withhold love and compassion from their children.

This leads to children developing low self-esteem and deep insecurities, anxiety, depression and unhealthy relationships in adulthood.

A 2022 study estimates that one to two percent of the general population have the disorder – although this is likely an undercount, as narcissists often try to hide their narcissistic traits.

It is unclear whether narcissistic parenting patterns are more common, or whether people are simply more familiar with the term, or whether it has become better known as therapy has become more popular.

What is clear is that interest in the subject has increased.

Googling Searches for narcissistic parents have steadily increased over the past two decades, with the phenomenon now considered a cause of a range of psychological ailments in children.

The hashtag #narcissisticparent on TikTok has over 143,000 posts.

Dr. Mena Mirhorm, a New Jersey-based psychiatrist and assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University, told DailyMail.com that psychiatrists have seen this trend increase in their offices as well.

He said: “It’s unfortunately very common,” adding that he sees clients two to three times a week who had a narcissistic parent in his practice.

As a result, he has come up with common personality traits that narcissistic parents exhibit offered suggestions on how to deal with it.

Are your parents showing signs of CONTROL?

Narcissistic parents fit an acronym that Dr. Mirhorm CONTROL mentions.

C stands for conditional love, which means that narcissistic parents will only offer love if they feel you meet their expectations.

If you didn’t get the grades your parents wanted, it might have made you feel like you weren’t good enough or unworthy of love.

O is overcontrol. A narcissistic parent often feels that their way of doing things is the only or best way.

If they see you doing things differently than they would, they will step in and add their opinions on how things can best be done.

For example, they may say that you used the dishwasher incorrectly simply because you loaded the dishes differently than they would have done, even if the dishes are still clean.

This can create a deep sense of insecurity in the child that can last into adulthood and make you feel that no matter how well you do something, you could do it better.

N stands for neglect of emotion. Narcissistic parents are often focused on their own needs.

When a child expresses thoughts or feelings, especially in anger or sadness, a narcissistic parent may quickly dismiss them as this distracts from the parent.

This may look like a parent encouraging their child not to cry or draw too much attention. Children raised in this environment may have difficulty getting in touch with their emotions, and as a result may have difficulty forming attachments with other people.

Or it can create a reverse scenario, where the child never learns healthy emotional regulation and behaves in extreme ways.

T is for two-faced treatment. Children raised in this pattern may feel that their parents behave very differently toward them in public and private situations.

Dr. Mirhom said: “You are sometimes praised publicly because that will reflect well on the parents and feed their narcissism.

“But in private you are hyper-criticized, you are really scrutinized.”

This creates a feeling of fear in the child.

R is for role reversal. In these patterns, adults often mistakenly rely on their child for support. Sometimes this makes the child feel like the adult in the relationship.

Dr. Mirhom said, “For example, a parent can say to a child, ‘You are the only one who understands me. You’re the one who can help me with this.’ And what that does is it puts the child in the position of being the parent, of taking on the emotional burden.”

This is harmful because it forces a child to take on too much responsibility at too young an age. This can leave a child feeling dependent on no one, which can continue into adulthood, making it difficult for a child of a narcissist to form relationships with and trust others.

O stands for excessive praise, which can go hand in hand with two-faced treatment. With this trait, the parent gives their child an extreme amount of encouragement or love to do something that suits the parent’s wishes.

But if that praise is later taken away, it reinforces the child’s sense that he only deserves to be loved when he is “good.”

Finally, L is due to a lack of empathy. This is similar to neglecting emotions, except that instead of deliberately ignoring their child’s emotional needs, the parent is actually unable to understand why their child might be feeling sad, upset, or distressed.

Dr. Mirhom said: ‘Because the narcissist is always thinking about their own emotion and not the child’s emotion, they will say things like, ‘Why are you upset? What have you experienced? Oh, look what I’ve been through.”

Taken together, these different facets of narcissistic parenting reinforce each other, making it more likely that a child will grow up insecure, with feelings of inadequacy and problems relating to other people, as well as with mental health problems of their own, such as anxiety and depression. .

Practice becoming CALM

Once someone realizes that he or she grew up in such an environment, Dr. Mirhom recommends taking steps to prepare before having to see or interact with your narcissistic parent(s).

He recommends remembering the acronym CALM.

The C for calm stands for setting boundaries. As an adult, a person raised by a narcissistic parent may benefit from deciding what he or she can tolerate.

For example, someone might ask his or her parents not to criticize them. If the parent cannot follow that boundary, the child may decide to remove himself or herself from the situation and respect his or her own boundaries.

The A stands for ‘adjust expectations’. When people see their parents again after a while, they may unconsciously hope for things that their parents were never able to give them as children.

For example, a person might hope that their parents will be more understanding now that they are older, and open to the possibility of reconciliation.

However, the hope that lifelong patterns will change usually ends in disappointment.

“If you know someone has behaved a certain way all their life, chances are they won’t change,” Dr. Mirhom said.

L stands for limit commitment, which means that someone must choose the battle with his or her parent.

Narcissists often create scenarios involving conflict and may try to fall back on older tactics to make their child feel unimportant or unworthy.

In these scenarios, Dr. Mirhom said, sometimes it’s better to remove yourself from the situation than to engage in an active fight with your parents. These can lead to bigger explosions and conflicts than necessary.

Finally, M stands for mentally preparing. This includes things like making sure you feel safe in your next interaction with your narcissistic parent, as well as learning how to identify what’s holding you back and how best to remove yourself from situations that don’t serve you.

Dr. Mirhom told this website: ‘You want to know the exit before you are in the fire. You don’t want to wait until something bad happens.”

Although a childhood under a narcissistic parent can lead to people pleasing, difficulty creating healthy boundaries, mental health problems, and even displaying some narcissistic traits toward others, there are ways to get help, including individual and group therapy.