DEAR JANE: I received an unexpected phone call about a shattering family ‘secret’… Do I dare confront my father?

Dear Jane,

Something disturbing happened recently and I can’t stop thinking about it.

It was around 11pm and I was home alone when I got a call from an unknown number. I didn’t think anything of it, I replied.

The voice on the other end of the line was a woman who refused to give her name.

She told me that she is my “sister” – my father’s neglected, secret daughter with another woman – and that she was coming to “take back” what is hers.

Confused, I asked her for further explanation. But she simply said, “You’ll find out soon,” and then hung up.

When I tried to call back, she had blocked my number.

Is it a joke? I doubt it. The caller used a nickname for my father that only our immediate family uses – and I can’t imagine any of my relatives would pull such a cruel trick.

I don’t want to ask my mother about it because she gets anxious easily. And I don’t want to ask my dad because it’s such a difficult subject to bring up.

I am currently single and have no siblings (as far as I know!). My father’s parents are both dead, and I have no uncles or aunts on his side either.

So there is actually no one I can talk to about this.

The call leaves me with a gnawing fear in my stomach – and I don’t know how to ease it.

By,

Creepy call

Dear Creepy Call,

What an annoying call to get. Not so much because you might have a long-lost sister, but because a stranger threatened to take back what is hers. It sounds ominous in print and must have felt even stronger in person.

Of course, you should be wary of scams. Scammers can use very sophisticated methods, so you should never give out personal information to someone who just contacts you. But I have no doubt that you should discuss this incident with your father, as uncomfortable as it may be.

Life has taught me the importance of having difficult conversations. And your reluctance to talk to your father makes me think that you may have a sneaking suspicion that it might be true: that you have a “secret sister.”

So often we twist ourselves into pretzels to avoid hurting someone else, or to avoid a conversation that could rock the boat. But it’s not your job to protect your father from pain, even though that may be why you’re avoiding the conversation.

If this caller is familiar with your father’s private nickname, it is possible that your father knows something about her, such as who her mother is.

Having this difficult conversation doesn’t have to be awkward. Most difficult topics can be tackled if presented in a gentle manner. Tell your father about the phone call, how it made you feel, and how afraid you are that you will hurt him and inflame your mother’s fears. These things need to be said.

I have no idea what the solution might be once you’ve had this conversation, but I do know that you can’t solve this on your own and that your father is the logical person to talk to.

Whatever this ‘secret sister’ is up to can be dealt with. In fact, I suspect she relies on an element of secrecy to help her get what she thinks she deserves.

If there is any truth to what this stranger says, your father – perhaps ultimately the entire family – will have to deal with it.

I wish you all the best.

Dear Jane,

I recently discovered that my wife was having an affair.

She had told me about a new friend, “Hazel,” at our five-year-old’s school. But last month she confessed that ‘Hazel’ was actually a divorced dad she recently met at the school gates.

As a result, my wife and I have since separated. And she is already ‘officially’ in a relationship with this man.

Obviously I found the whole thing disturbing. But the biggest problem has to do with my daughter: I’m not ready for her to be with this man all the time.

Still, my little girl goes to school with his daughter, so it’s almost inevitable that she’ll see him regularly.

Our girls are actually friends and have already had play dates, which means the new guy has been in my daughter’s life for months.

Meanwhile, as the sole breadwinner, I spend less time with my daughter than I would like. Now I’m afraid this new boyfriend will replace me as a father figure.

Is it too much to demand that my wife keep our daughter away from him whenever possible?

I don’t know how else to proceed.

By,

Forgotten father

Dear forgotten father,

I’m so sorry for the pain this is causing you.

It is devastating when a marriage breaks down, especially when there is infidelity.

The pain of feeling like the person who broke up your marriage will replace you in your child’s life must be difficult to live with.

However, remember that feelings are not facts, but merely feelings. You will undoubtedly spend less time with your daughter than you would like, because that is the nature of divorce.

But it won’t stop you from having a close, loving, special relationship with your daughter.

Believe me when I tell you that no one can get in the way of the father-daughter relationship if the father is loving and present.

If you love your daughter as much as your letter says, and if you are consistent in your affection and attention, I promise that no one will ever replace you.

Now the bad news: You have no right to demand that your wife keep your daughter away from her boyfriend.

Nor do you have the authority to fill your daughter’s head with anything negative or unflattering about the new man in her mother’s life.

Your priority is your daughter and that she is happy, loved and well cared for by whoever her mother ends up with.

It is much better to encourage a good relationship, no matter how cruel the truth may sound.

The best hope is that he is a good father figure to her.

The pain will decrease over time. One day you will actually wake up and find that thoughts about this other man don’t tear you apart in the same way.

If you can find a therapist, do so.

True healing in the aftermath of a failed marriage comes not from blaming an ex-spouse, but from looking at our own part in it, at what we might have contributed, what our youth taught us about love, and how we could do things differently in the aftermath of a failed marriage. the future.

You will be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.